no no i don’t

lucky my mumsy doesn’t read this blog she would think it’s all her fault (and mumsy it’s not you are great).

So getting right down to it, had a little difference of opinion last night with the boy we were at the pub and i wanted to go and he didn’t i left he stayed. He starts work at 3am and normally gives me a call in the morning and comes to my place after work around 1pm. No call by 11am after i have sent him a MMS pic of the Roses he got me for valentines day blooming so i think ok i’ll be the bigger person and call him and he doesn’t answer so i call him again and he doesn’t answer i call him all day and he doesn’t answer. Of course i jump to conclusions and think that it’s all over he has had enough of me and my constant whinging about him going to the pub has worn him down and he has decided it isn’t worth it and he can’t even tell me this. I spend the day an emotional wreck crying, writing myself letters about how i am strong and i will get over it and him and all the positive things about me, giving myself time to grieve etc. Anywhoo i decide that i need closure and that he will have to tell me that he hates me in order for me to move on with my life so i give him another call this time he answers. He has been asleep all day with his phone on silent and didn’t go to work because he was sick (this is legit he has a wisdom tooth issue that really needs to be pulled out but this is another story). I just feel like the biggest loser i always over react, fly off the handle, think the worst i am the biggest doomsdayer ever. I just don’t think that anyone could love me and i am cautious of anyone who claims to love me i think well why you must have an alterior motive and then i create this weird self fulfilling prophacy and be a total bitch to drive them away i guess till i get what i want that feeling that no you dont love me. Worst thing is that today when i thought that it was all over i missed him terribly i just wanted one last chance. Maybe now that all is ok it will serve me well to remember how i felt today.

When when when will i overcome these feelings of worthlessness you know i thought that it would disappear when i lost 40kg but it didn’t and i don’t think these feelings will disappear after 50kg i think that i need to do some work on me. I just don’t know where to start